Originally posted here on June 24, 2019.
My oldest was having some extra big feelings today over a disappointment at school, and all I wanted to do was make it stop, and say “OMG seriously”. But I’d just put this graphic together yesterday of a quote I liked so it was fresh in my mind, and I took a deep breath and chose to wait and connect instead.
I ignored the randomly thrown used tissues all over the floor, the raised voice, the whining.. and I looked at my daughter, who was sobbing and obviously struggling. I reminded myself that even though the issue seemed trivial to me, it had been important to her. And that acknowledging and working through our feelings helps us build resilience.
So I rubbed her back and said “You’re still feeling so sad about this.” and “I’m really sorry, I know how much you were hoping for it to work out.” She cried more and asked to sit on my lap while we had supper, which she hasn’t asked for in at least a year, likely more. I said sure and hugged her while we ate.
After several minutes the subject changed and we were laughing and chatting. She got up and I reminded her to pick up her tissues, which she did right away without hesitating, and apologized.
I know from a *lot* of experience with trying to fight the storm away that if I’d insisted on her picking them up earlier when she threw them, we’d have been battling instead of connecting for that period. Instead, she felt heard, I didn’t get sucked into it and make it worse, and everything still got dealt with.
At bedtime there were still some more tears and she hugged me extra tight. We talked about what she’s been doing to work through how she feels and what else she can try, and made a plan to revisit her strategies tomorrow.
Which, I’ll be honest, I’m not looking forward to. I’m always glad *after* I’ve done it, but it feels like yet another chore when there are so many other things I need to do. I just keep reminding myself that doing the work now leads to less work in the future. And if I’m not spending time building skills, I’ll be spending it later anyway dealing with even more storms and their fallout.
How do you feel about “storms”? Do you have any other approaches you use?
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