This has been a difficult few weeks for my immediate and extended family, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Three weeks ago I picked my girls up from school, waited until they were buckled, and then I climbed back to sit with them. I sat with them while tears were streaming down their faces, and while they yelled and sobbed and protested.
I had just given them the news that my family wouldn’t be coming up from the states the next day for their long-awaited visit because my sister wasn’t well, and they were devastated. They yelled that they hated me, they didn’t want to go to Jasper at all now, everything was ruined.. and I sat there with them, letting it all come out. I was expecting this on some level after going through my own grief about it that morning.
So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, bit my tongue, and said “I know, it’s such awful news”, and “I’m so sorry”, and “I’m so sad too”.
They cried for what felt like forever.
And I didn’t try to stop it.
That was the hardest part, when panic set in that maybe they shouldn’t be crying this much, maybe this is too hard, maybe I should tell them it’s okay and they’ll be fine.. But instead I waited and validated and guided.
I trusted that they could do this.
Gradually we started talking about how it must also be hard for my family to miss their trip, and how we hoped my sister would be better soon.
Then my youngest asked something about our Jasper trip (that we were still meeting friends for, and supposed to be leaving right away). I braced myself for my oldest to go back to saying she didn’t want to go now. But instead she just told her sister what the new plans would be. And the youngest said okay.
Their breathing had changed to deeper, their tears were starting to dry, and they were talking rationally. That’s when I knew they were ready.
It ended up being an extremely long fifteen minutes, though it had started to taper off before that. After fifteen minutes of processing they were ready to go. Now sure, they were still sad about it and mentioned missing them a few other times during the week, but they didn’t go on about it. They got it all out, and then they were able to move on.
We headed home and finished packing for our (altered) trip. Once we hit the road they asked to start an audiobook- a staple for any of our road trips- and then settled in for the drive. I breathed a sigh of relief that I’d been learning and practicing these tools, so I’d have them available for challenging times like this. Even a few years ago things likely would have gone much differently.
Not everything resolves that quickly, though. Some issues are ongoing and resurface. But it’s still easier in the long run because everyone feels heard and we’re building healthy coping skills. They’re learning that it’s okay to feel sad and they can get through it- in their own time and their own way. And when we get off track we can get back on with less struggles.
Have you had to support children through processing any difficult feelings lately? Do you have any strategies to share? There are also more suggestions on processing and calming in my previous post.
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