(April 2012)
I did it!
I finally read every book and blog on positive discipline that exists, assembled a perfectly organized notebook full of the key points, planned for every scenario imaginable, and put it all into practice! The first week was a little tricky, but by the next we were all set. I’m proud to report both my 3year old and 10month old daughters are now perfectly well-behaved and never act out AT ALL! I’m sure it’ll be smooth-sailing from here on out.
Yeah, okay.. Not so much (I don’t even have a notebook).
It’s not like I thought it would be easy, but once I felt that “click” and it all started to make sense- back when everything shifted- I really felt like the hard part was over.
Hilarious, I know.
It seems that no matter how you choose to discipline, there’s long-term work involved (go figure!).
I guess I was sorta hoping this would be some amazing miracle cure like, I dunno, diet pills?
Just use these 3 little phrases twice a day and watch those tantrums melt away!
But it turns out it’s more like-
Eat a balanced diet, be physically active daily, get a good night’s sleep, and don’t overdo the caffeine or alcohol and you’ll probably be healthier but there’s really no guarantee and you might get hit by a bus tomorrow anyway.
So why even bother if there’s no guarantee everything will always run smoothly even if you somehow manage to do everything “right”?
The thing I’ve gathered is that it’s actually less about getting it all “right” or our kids always doing everything we say right away, and more about focusing on making progress and maintaining our relationship.
That doesn’t mean we let them do whatever they want so they always like us!
Having a connected relationship with someone doesn’t mean we always agree or always get along. But it does mean that we try our best to respect each other while expressing our concerns. E definitely doesn’t like when I put away a ball she’s throwing in the house and tell her she can try again later to play with it. But she probably does like that now I use that as a time to check-in on what might be going on for her to figure out why she’s suddenly having trouble stopping herself from doing something she knows not to do.
“Oh wow, is it 10:30 already? I totally forgot to get you a snack. And weren’t we gonna go outside? We were out so late last night, it’s really a wonder that throwing the ball is ALL you’re doing. Look at me, I’m exhausted, having a second cup of coffee, and can’t even remember to feed you..”
Before all of this I was mostly concerned with controlling her behaviour. All the things I had read were about how to stop her, or trick her into doing something. So my goal would’ve been to stop her throwing the ball- at any cost.
Now I still end up stopping her, but my focus has shifted to modelling respect and identifying the meaning behind her behaviour to guide me in how to address it. If she were throwing the ball at her sister after having her toys knocked over, I would still put the ball away. But I would also validate her feelings, and help her to make amends and practice what she can do instead when she’s upset.
Which is SO hard! It takes a lot more work in the moment than what I was doing before. And trying to stay calm is probably the most challenging part. I still get so upset sometimes when she’s acting out. But even with the extra work, it’s actually been easier in the long run.
SO much easier. But not easy.
Unfortunately there’s no miracle cure after all. They’ll never be perfect, and neither will I. We’ll just focus on doing our best, learning more, trying again, and making small steps forward.
And maybe getting a notebook.
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